posted by NanaKrustofski,

Why people don’t share their stories just because "they want attention"



Hoxie: I think a lot of people think we gain 'fame' or 'clout' or can even advance our career by discussing this topic or talking about our experiences.
To drag up painful and traumatic memories, to put yourself out there in this way, what do you think people stand to gain from that? Look at the responses to the recent allegations, the responses from people who think a small percentage of accusations being false is a perfectly good excuse to belittle victims, send death threats, threats of sexual violence. The first thing victims are accused of when they speak out is trying to ruin someone else’s life.



Reinessa: The attention you get from speaking up CAN BE positive for the first couple days. The problem is that those who support it say 'cool, this happened, we support her, problem solved' while those who are angry or upset will remember and continue to attack. So in addition to reliving your trauma in telling it, you must also face the burden of proof (while the accused can be completely innocent without the same burden of proof), and you must face reliving your trauma for an immeasurable amount of time due to the feathers you rustled in speaking up. Speaking up is terrifying for so many reasons, and those can stun you into silence out of fear.

I spoke up, mildly. Barely. I was physically ill for days out of guilt for making those I spoke up against feel bad. I felt bad about criticising someone for their behaviour that made women uncomfortable. I felt bad for 'making someone a victim' by pointing out their behavior was not okay. I face continuous and regular accusations and harassment because of it. Nothing crazy, but it is there and present.



Nana: Yes, there might be some individuals who are lying and trying to get some attention, even craving for negative feedback and drama. You don't have to immediately believe every single word a stranger on the internet says. It's reasonable if you personally want to hear other sides of the story, we all should do that. However, if you doubt something, it is not the most decent move to jump to conclusions that the person is a liar who only wants attention if you don't know anyone involved personally. And it's especially unfair to straight up insult them and spread hate.

Why? Because there are only very few cases of false rape accusations. When searching for numbers, you can find studies and reports on court cases which span from around 0.5% to around 6%, depending on the region and circumstances that were being investigated. Studies on accusations that were not taken to court show a similar tendency. The possibility that the person is telling the truth is usually quite high, as sexual harassment and abuse is way more common than most people are aware of. There might be cases of people lying, but you need to handle the general issue more careful than most people do.

Also, please always remember that you don't know a person throughout, just because you followed their self-presentation on the internet for a few years. Other people who work with the accused person know more about personalities off-camera, therefore their judgment can be more rational. Not believing victims is dangerous. Cancel culture is dangerous. Using your head and getting educated is reasonable.

Not a Dota case, but the message applies to cases in general




Why saying "just mute them, grow thicker skin or leave the internet if you can’t handle it" is an incredibly questionable mindset



Moxxi: I've never understood the mentality of: 'This is bad. We should just leave it alone.' If something is bad, we should strive to change it. What people fail to realise is that if our community is so toxic and we don't even attempt to fix it, it will make new players leave. And if new players leave, then our game will begin to die. Dota is an incredible game that is constantly evolving and getting patch updates to keep it interesting. Dota deserves better. We deserve better.

Reinessa: Tolerating any kind of abuse - whether physical or emotional, is a reprehensible response. Giving up because it seems inevitable is not okay, and honestly - I don't have a high opinion of the intelligence on that reply. Just look at history in the last few hundred years. Women couldn't always vote - they didn't accept it because 'that's the way it is'.

Slavery was pervasive to the Southern US economy - 'some people are slaves, just deal with it and accept your life' isn't something that someone would say now, or shouldn't. Accepting a culture that objectifies and dehumanizes women, that constantly directs racist and sexist remarks, that thinks rape jokes and doxxing are funny and valid responses?

How can someone honestly think that is ok? There is nothing wrong with asking and expecting people to be better. And in any study I have seen that examines online toxicity, women receive equal to men across the board AND THEN receive a heapload more harassment because of their gender. So 'everyone deals with it, grow up' is ridiculous, because they deal with so, so, so much more simply because they 'dare to play video games'.



Nana: To keep it short, I won't change my profession and abandon my passion just because some gremlins don't know how to behave properly.

Hoxie: It's a silly argument often used to shift responsibility. Why should people have to 'handle' toxicity, hatred, harassment and abuse because of something they can't change? Why are people so willing to defend that? I think people are more disgusted with the accusations than the actual idea that these negative things/people exist in their community, and as a result are unwilling to face it and own their actions.





Why aren't the affected people coming out with their stories earlier? Why do they wait for years and "jump on the accusation train online?”



Brax: There are a multitude of reasons for this and it's going to come down to their own personal experiences with the matter. Reliving trauma/confrontation/repercussions from community, jobs, and or peers are all obstacles to overcome.

Reinessa: The backlash is so immense, that unless you can see the possibility of support, it is hard to speak. I think the most motivating factor for speaking is to actually protect other people - so people wait to speak, because they don't seek justice for themselves, they want to move on from the pain. They only speak because they realize they can sacrifice their pain if it means sparing someone else the same experience.

Hoxxie: I think a lot of victims may feel they're alone in their experiences. That by coming out, they'll be met with hatred and belittlement, or just won't as they are the only one. The attitude towards abuse victims is already incredibly hostile. Often those who experience sexual assault feel shameful or guilty, like they are the ones at fault. It can take years for victims of abuse to even realise what happened to them. I know for me personally, reading about other experiences dragged up traumatic memories, but pushed me to talk about mine - I didn't feel like the only one anymore.



Nana: Look at the reactions to any case and you should know the answer. In the words of Meruna 'You created this environment that made me unable to speak up years ago and that still frightens me. I'm not scared of person X. I'm scared of the community.'

You also don't know what actions affected people already took, even years ago. They might have went to the police or talked about the employer and they might have addressed the situation with the accused person before. It is also difficult to come to terms with the assault. If a complete stranger harasses you on the streets, it's easier to think: 'This is a bad person and what they did was wrong'. However if you know the person and you get along with them and all your friends like them, questions start to rise. Is this really a bad person? Was it my fault? Am I overreacting? Everyone likes them, I don't have the right to destroy thie relationship, right?

Moxxi: Fear. It never felt safe for us to come forward with these stories. Hearing other people come forward makes us less afraid, believing that people might actually listen instead of just dismissing us. Some of these stories are about legends within our scene who hold a lot of power. The fear of being told dismissed as a liar or worse, attacked by their supporters, is awful - especially if you're being forced to relive your trauma. I know a few women who STILL don't want to publicly share their stories - they're too afraid that their assailant's supporters will attack them, even if they possess proof.

And it's not just women, several men within the scene have come forward to share their stories that they've never told as well because they finally feel supported enough to share.



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